Middle School

Counseling

 

 

 

Advisory

Tribes
   Teaming Rubric

 

 

T.ALK AND LISTEN
I-Messages

An I-Message is a statement of the speaker’s feelings, in response to the behavior
of others. The message seeks to identify a problem that the speaker is experiencing, and does not seek to accuse, shame, intimidate or blame the other person. An assertive I-message also expresses what the speaker wants or needs in the future.

I-messages work best in relationships where a feeling of trust and caring is expected and has been cultivated. By giving an I-message, the speaker is implicitly saying, “I trust you to decide what changes in behavior are necessary.” It is important to remember that I-messages are not polite commands, meant to force the other person to change. An I-message allows the speaker to take responsibility for his/her own reaction to a situation. It also helps the other person understand the effect that his/her behavior has on others, and gives that person the opportunity to decide to take responsibility for helping the speaker have a better experience by changing his/her behavior.

The purpose of saying an I-message is:
         - to work towards a more positive future
         - to let the other person know how their behavior is affecting you, and to tell them
           what you need instead. It is up to the other person to decide what to
           do with the information that you provide them. If they choose to not do
           anything helpful, and the problem continues, then you need to go to
           another level of problem solving (structured negotiation or mediation.)
The purpose is not:
         - to force the person to do what you want.
         - to assign blame.
         - to decide who is “right.”
         - to tell the other person what is wrong with them or what they are doing

Feeling Statement I-Message Model:
I feel __________________________ when ____________________________.
name the feeling(s) describe the situation or behavior

Examples:
         A. I feel scared and mad when I am pushed.
             (Both parts of the sentence use “I” in them.)
         B. I feel angry when people make fun of my name.
             (The second part of the sentence uses an anonymous description of behavior.)
         C. I feel irritated when you keep tapping me with your pencil.
             (The second part of the sentence specifically identifies what the other person is doing.)

Assertive I-Message Model:
I feel ______________ when ______________.
I need _______________________________.
feeling(s) situation or behavior what would work better for or help me

True “I messages” do not need to be expressed in a stilted, rote manner (as above). An I-message is most effective when you find your own words to express how you feel and what you need. Just make sure you are talking about yourself. Then say something specific about what would be better for you.

Examples:
         It bothers me when __________. It would work better for me if ____________.
         I’m uncomfortable when __________. Please ____________ instead.
         I’m mad because ____________. I would like you to _______________.
         It does not work for me when__________. It would help me if _______.
         _________ is so not cool for me. Please _______________.
         I am really frustrated by ____________. I’d like you to ______________.
         I get so irritated when ____________. I need ______________.
         I am getting really angry. I would like you to ____________________.

“I”-message vs. “You”-message:
It is important that I-Messages do not become disguised You-Messages. For example, “I feel that you are really mean when you call me names.” You can recognize the disguised You-Message in this example because:
         1. No feelings are stated or owned, even though the speaker says, “I feel.”
             What the speaker really means is “I think” or “I believe.”
         2. The phrase contains a judgment of the other person.

I-Messages

State and own the speaker’s feelings.


Describe the perceived behavior or situation; not a personal judgment.

Help conflicts move towards resolution.

You-Messages

Hold another person responsible for the speaker’s feelings.

Blame the other person;
Judge and put down the other person.

Escalate conflict.

It is okay to use the word “you” in an I-message. However, what follows must be an objective description of the person’s behavior, not an accusation or put down of the other person.

OK:

 

 when you jiggle my desk.
when you call me a name.
when you scribble on my paper. 		NOT: when you are stupid.
when you are a jerk.
when you mess everything up.

As students get older, it is important to take the concept of I-messages to a much deeper level than just a simple phrase of self-expression. Older students (and adults) tend to grow weary of using simplified I-messages because they grow to feel that “They don’t ‘work.’” They tend to start viewing I-messages as weak and ineffective because they don’t force the other person to do what they want. This is when further exploration of the purpose of I-messages; how to use different phrasing; how to use other strategies of problem-management; what it means to be a member of a caring, productive community; and, most importantly, how to optimize our personal power (stop being a victim) by taking responsibility for our own thoughts, words and actions (because we only have real power to change ourselves, not others).

Remember: I-messaging is not simply a statement of feelings. It is a worldview, a way of perceiving and navigating life in a way that does not hold others responsible for what we think, feel or do. It is also critical to effective conflict management and cooperative problem solving.

©2007 Le Jardin Academy